April 2004

The need to explore

Q: At the young age of 22, I met and eventually married a great guy. We have a strong family (three kids), and I love him dearly after 20 years of marriage. Lately, I've been struggling incredibly with visions of expanding my sexual horizons, and frankly, wondering what I've been missing all these years. My problem is compounded by the fact that my husband is absolutely awful at sex, and the routine is tedious to the point that I think I'm slowly starting to die from the inside. My only option seems to be to find sex on the sly and have a wild affair. Writing about it now makes my heart race. You seem to be in touch with the sexual wonderland, can you offer me some advice?
PE, Memphis, TN

A: I realize the easy thing to do would be to have an affair, and having me recommend you do so would seem to be in line with portrayals of popular culture. After all, just this weekend I read a report that claimed 60% of married women think seriously about having an affair. To which my initial thought was: 60% is WAY too high, impossible! There can't be THAT much unhappiness about. (My next thought was to think about all the husband slugs I know, and my take became: 60%, hmm, that's probably too low!)

Regardless of what these numbers, or popular culture, suggest, you have one basic option: seek your fulfillment with your husband. There is no reason why your husband, whom you refer to as great, can't become more of the person you need. It is much easier to build on a relationship that already has strength versus trying to play dodge ball with the perils of an affair. Work with him, and my guess is you will find he's more than eager to become the sexual adventurer you seek. Start tonight. Surprise him by whispering a request (while he's doing the dishes); say something he's never heard from YOUR lips during your 20 years together.

Ugly: come now

Q: I have a huge problem, and I need some honest advice. All my life I've lived with ugly hair, an ugly face, and an ugly body. Plastic surgery like the kind on the makeover shows seem to be my only option, but I'm desperate for another.
AJ, Montgomery, AL

A: AJ, whatever you do, don't go the plastic surgery route, because my sense is that your issue is one of confidence instead of beauty. It usually is, anyway. Think for a moment about all the average guys who have found perfect brides, good jobs, and have loving families. Instead of the knife, stick with regular grooming (REGULAR), get some relatively nice clothes (get someone to help, if needed), and hit the gym. Easy advice, right? Darn straight, and do you know why? Start doing the things that will build your confidence, and all else will follow. If you dress confidently, people will sense that. If your body has even a hint of being in shape, you will feel better about yourself; and people will feel it too. You could even take up a subject or skill that's easy to share with others (art or music come to mind). Develop this to the point where people enjoy hearing about them, and you will soon see that people are attracted to YOU despite the fact that you once believed you were unattractive.

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